heterochrocatic | for @destinybound

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for @destinybound

They'd done it. They'd really done it.

The war was over, Etheria was safe, and most important Catra had Adora. After all the pain and hurt they had each other. More importantly they had a future, a whole unplanned, amazing future laid out in front of them where they could go where they wished and be who they wanted. Of course, before that future, there was going to be a party. All of the princesses and what seemed like hundreds (thousands?) more people had crammed into Bright Moon for a raucous celebration of victory and peace.

People said she was a hero, that she had helped save Etheria, that she had made good for her past wrongs in this shining victory and the help she had provided She-Ra. There was food, music, speeches, singing. All of it meant to let loose the years of pent up fear and anxiety that the war had forced on the people of Etheria. Being surrounded by so many happy faces had been brilliant. At first, it had been good. It had been nice. Gradually, though, the luster of being the hero started to wear away as she found herself thrust in front of more and more people she didn't know, as she was torn away from the side of Adora and her new friends to be paraded as an example of what someone could do if they just turned their life around. As the night grew later, Catra could feel her patience grinding down as surely as if it were a blade against the grindstone.

Soon, the noise, the talking, all of was beginning to grind on her, forcing its way into her ears no matter how much Catra tried to block it out or ignore it. Worst of all was the attention, the way people kept trying to congratulate her or tell her how much she'd done or how grateful they were. She had been trying to speak to Scorpia, trying to make up for lost time but the surrounding conversations were forcing their way into her head, running roughshod over the words of others. As Scorpia was describing some sort of underwater soiree, another random person was trying to talk to her about how amazed they were by her change of heart and it just went to show..

Catra pressed her hands against her ears, her drink left on some nearby table. Mumbling excuses, she shoved out of the ring of chattering partygoers and looked around for Adora--

There, talking with Glimmer and Micah and some other hangers-on, which meant she was probably busy. Catra growled under her breath as she met Adora's eyes, then made a direct line for the nearest doorway to stumble out into the night air, where there was relative peace. She stood outlined in the light from the party which spilled out onto the patio for a moment, then took a running leap down the stairs and hurried out into the gardens.

Maybe she could find some peace out here. Some solitude. Some distance.

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The four of them had stuck together, at first -- through the congratulations, the cheers, the first few dances. Adora made sure to guide Catra through everything on the refreshments table, because it seriously is the most mindblowing thing to realize how much food exists outside of ration bars.

But at some point a group of very enthusiastic young kids approached, and Catra had ducked away before one could make a grab for her tail-- and when Adora went looking for her a few minutes later she was talking with Scorpia, so she opted not to interfere. It was good, she figured, for Catra to get out there on her own.

She clearly figured wrong.

The look on Catra's face before she makes for the door tells her everything. Adora's heart bobs up into her throat as she mutters an apologetic "be right back", and she rushes out after her, sifting through the crowd of partygoers.

The castle gardens are lush, grandiose and sprawling -- and they offer, unfortunately, a near-endless trove of places to hide.

"Catra!" she calls out, anxiety's pinpricks stinging at her stomach. "Catra-- come out, please?"

Catra ducks into a maze of hedges and flower beds, scurrying along until she stumbles upon a bench tucked under the overhanging branches of a stooped willow tree. It's a pretty sight, even in the night air, lit dimly by floating motes of magical energy that twinkle and dance like miniature stars. She hunches up there, a hand on Melog's head as the comforting creature lays itself partially across her lap. When Catra hears Adora's voice, the first instinct had been to stay quiet--let Adora go back to the party, to her other friends, everyone else and leave Catra here alone. With those thoughts came the taut, unhappy anxiety and uncertainty. Did Adora really care? Why was she following Catra? Catra hesitates, almost decides to let Adora go back inside.

Fortunately, Catra catches herself before that train of thought goes too much further or does much more damage. That isn't what she should be doing. It would only lead to more hurt and more confusion later. So on the second call, Catra raises her voice to reply.

"I'm over here." She sits back and waits, half-smiling when she finally sees Adora emerge into her little spot of isolated solitude.

"Hey, Adora."

"Hey! Hi."

Adora's nerves all but fizzle out as soon as she lays eyes on Catra -- safe, calm, with Melog curled up next to her. She breathes out a sigh of relief, her own lips pulling into a small, mirroring smile.

When taking her seat beside Catra, she's sure to leave a good few inches of space between them, in case Catra needs it.

"Needed some air, huh?"

"Hi," Catra repeats as though she hasn't already said hello to Adora. She glances away, looking up at the night sky through the branches of the overhanging tree as Adora sits down. It's still weird to think that she's been out there, traveling through those stars. Her eyes turn earthwards again and she looks back to Adora.

"Uh, yeah. It was just crowded in there," Catra says breezily. No big deal. She just needed a break, right? Ha ha. It's all fine. Totally fine.

"Right," Adora says, smile quirking lopsided. She's known Catra far too long to fall for lies like this, but she knows she doesn't like being pushed, either.

"Not too crowded with me here, I hope," she adds, and softly lowers her hand to Melog's forehead.

"Never," Catra responds. She leans over, closing the distance so she can rest her head on Adora's shoulder. The presence of the other woman is comforting. Strong. Helps her feel a bit more secure.

"It's just overwhelming, you know?" She says after a moment. "Everyone's so happy and excited and there are so many people in there and..." She trails off, unsure of what to say next. Or maybe she just doesn't know how to say it.

"No, I get it," Adora reassures. "I was kinda losing my mind at my first party, too. It's a lot, coming in fresh from the Horde." A brief pause, and she adjusts for accuracy: "The Horde, and, you know... outer space. All that."

With Catra's warm weight against her side, she offers Melog a quick scratch behind the ears before lifting her arm, to wrap around Catra's shoulder. Rolling her tongue around her mouth, Adora contemplates her next words a moment, before gently attempting:

"And... it makes you feel kinda guilty, right?"

Catra tenses briefly at Adora's words, then forces herself to exhales and take a deep breath.

"Yeah." She goes quiet again, trying to work out what she needs to say next.

"Everyone's so happy and..." She clenches her hands into fists and next to her, Melog starts to bristle a little as they pick up her discomfort.

"...And all I can think about is how many of them I've probably hurt somehow and now they all act like I'm some kind of hero. Or that big... mural. Of Angella." She had never actually met the queen, hadn't really been sure of what happened to her, but the fact that Glimmer was queen after Catra had thrown the switch on the portal device made the answer of who was responsible obvious. At least to Catra.

"It's hard. I know." Adora strokes between Catra's shoulder and neck, fingers scritching at soft fur, hoping to soothe. It's not the kind of conversation that can be resolved with a couple sweet words and a hug, she realizes that. Maybe if she lets Catra know she understands-- maybe then she'd feel less alone.

"I felt that way at first, too. Like I was lying to everyone, you know? I was parading myself around as this legendary warrior, She-ra... because nobody would've trusted in Horde soldier Adora. I just wanted... I wanted to make people focus on the good that I did, that I could do, but I couldn't just wipe out a lifetime of serving the Horde. I thought it was something that'd haunt me forever."

It feels like centuries ago now, but revisiting those feelings, with Catra so tense and uneasy and scared right beside her... Adora catches herself coming carefully close to wallowing. Not helping. Bad.

"--But that's the reassuring part!" she perks back up, putting on a smile. "Now that I'm farther down the line, I know it doesn't stay this way. Your past-- it's not gonna keep catching up with you forever. You just have to give it time. The more you focus on your life, here and now, the farther the past will get. And you'll be able to show everyone, and yourself, that you've changed."

"It's-- a slow process," she admits sheepishly, "but I promise that it works."

Edited 2020-05-30 07:24 (UTC)

Catra curls herself up closer against Adora's side as she listens to Adora's soothing words. They make sense, of course, but it's not easy to let go of the tumbling, awkward feelings of guilt digging at her insides. The scritching helps a little, offers a physical release of some kind, a reminder that comfort is here and real and physical. She takes a breath and releases it.

"I keep catching myself getting angry," she murmurs, "Or wanting to snap at people. Or tell them to just go away and leave me alone. That... I don't need them? And I know that I shouldn't do that stuff but it's so easy. It's just this instinct that I can't make go away. Part of me thinks i need to do that just to protect myself. Or that if I do that people won't expect as much of me. If I fail now, it won't hurt when I do later..." Catra swallows heavily.

"Like I know it won't help but part of me still thinks that maybe this is all just some kind of crazy dream, that I'm going to wake up back in the Fright Zone." She shudders.

"Or that this is just all something I'm imagining while I'm sitting on Horde Prime's ship while he--" She chokes, words turning to ashes and bile in her mouth.

"While he--" Catra can't make the words come out. Doesn't want to say what it is, but knows that what she means is clear. The memory of Prime rifling through her memories like so many sheets of paper on a desk. The way he had made her do those things.

Made her want to do those things. Her breath catches and she can feel hot tears stinging at her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, because she doesn't know what else to say.

"Catra," Adora mouths, voice barely forming through the sudden blockage in her throat. The sight of Catra's tears closes a fist over her heart, and Adora doesn't know what to do except that she has to make it better.

"Hey. Hey." She turns to face her fully now, cupping her cheeks with both hands. "Catra. Look at me, please. He's gone. This is real-- I'm right here." Her voice is low but urgent, thumbs chasing away the wetness from the corners of her eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere, I swear."

Catra clings to Adora, hands gripping at her shoulders, bunching into the material of the other's jacket. Her claws threaten to tear at the material as Catra shakes, her head dipping forwards a little before Adora's warm voice and firm hands lift her gaze.

"Promise?" It's an echo, a repeat of a question she's asked so many times before. Is he really gone? Are you really here? Are you really going to stay? She feels guilty for even asking it, she's already demanded so much of Adora.

"I promise, Catra," Adora answers, sure and steady as anything. She broke her word once, realizing too late the way it had rattled the walls of Catra's world-- the first and last time she ever intends to do so.

Catra is here with her, now. She wouldn't trade that for the world.

Her hands smooth down the sides of Catra's neck, and she nuzzles the tips of their noses together before resting forehead to forehead. "I'm never letting go again."

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sleeping next to you should be easy

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